A.V.A. Experience - Alliance of Valiant Arms
Emancipation is futile!
A little boy once asked a grizzled veteran, \"Sir, why are men who sleep with a lot of women considered heroes, but women who sleep with a lot of men considered sluts?\" The old veteran answered,\"Son, think about it like this. A key that opens many locks is a master key. A lock that is opened by many keys is worthless.\"

submitted by  xPatrickx

Going home
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off."
The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing."
The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem."
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.""Ya, that will be done," says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?"
The German replies, "ya."
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."
The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

submitted by Megamanxzeroaxel
Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat

submitted by Megamanxzeroaxel
Can't argue with that!
(sniper talking to grandkids)
"His shot was close, i lost my hat. My shot was closer and he lost his life."
Us vs Uk

An American soldier visits the British army to take part in the secret service training. He arrives at the gate of the base and the guard at the gate asks him:

"What 's an american doing here, did you come here to die?"

The american soldier replies:

"No, I came here yesterdie."

Sniper Love
A sniper comes home after a long day and says to his wife:
"I missed you today!"
Golfing With A Hitman
An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer. So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend."

"That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"

The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company."

All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle.

"Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!"

"Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings."

"No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."

The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living."

"Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before."

"Still want me to play?" said the other.

"Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"

The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.

The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."

The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?"

"$10,000 a bullet," said the man.

The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it."

"Which one?" said the hit man.

"Both," said the exec.

"That's $20,000, you know."

"I don't care. hit 'em both."

The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked.

"You know where to hit him," said the exec.

"How about the woman?"

"In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway."

"Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars." 
Short Interview
Reporter: Ummm...Staff Seargent?
Marine: Yes?
Reporter: What's the first thing you feel after taking out the enemy?
Marine: RECOIL.
Shooting Cans
A redneck walks into a gunshop, and asks for the largest gun in stock. Store owner shows off a 1911 .45ACP.

Redneck: You got something bigger?

Store owner shows off a .357Mag.

Redneck: You got something bigger?

Store owner shoes off a Taurus .50 revolver.

Redneck: This I like!

Store Owner: Why do you need such a large gun?

Redneck: I'm going to use it to shoot some cans!

Store Owner: Cans? What kind of cans?!!

Redneck: Just some AfriCANS, MexiCANS, Puerto RiCANS, ...
Army Days
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army
days.

"Why, my company was so well drilled," declared one, "that
when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap,
click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company
presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first.

"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."

(ty to TriForce for this joke:), if i spelled your nick wrong let me know, ok?)